Dawn: Thoughts of My Heart

Infertility… That word brings such pain and sorrow as well as a plethora of questions.  What’s wrong?  Why not?  What do I need to do?  Did I do something?  Can this.. will this.. change?  Will I …. some day?  My arms ache.  My heart aches for someone I have never met.  I long to hold this baby.  Where are you, little one? 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

Hopelessness can settle in, if you allow it.  Not having this child that you long for can completely disrupt your life, if you allow it.  In the midst of the storm, this hurricane of the heart that threatens to strip away all joy and hope, there is an Anchor who is waiting for you to turn to Him.  God offers hope in the darkest nights.  He offers light in the ugliest of thoughts and fears.

He has promised to never leave you nor forsake 

(give up on) you (Deuteronomy 31:6).

When your eyes are fixed on what you desire, rather than on the One who desires you, dissatisfaction can overwhelm and crowd out any good and any gift that God has given you.  Remember Him.  Remember His heart towards you is good and not harmful, not mean, not a big bully in heaven tormenting you.  That is not God.  His heart towards you is peace, kindness, love, gentleness…

I have loved you with an everlasting love… (Jeremiah 31:3)

Don’t allow the storm clouds of doubt and anger steal away the light of His promises, His love, and hope.  There is nothing we can do to make Him love us more or even less.  His love is constant, not fickle, unlike the world in which we live.  He can be trusted.  Will you trust Him with this precious desire, this hunger that gnaws at your heart?  There is hope!

I have walked this road.  The sadness can take you down like quicksand, but I remember who He is.  When I can’t see what He is doing, I can trust His heart towards me.  There is no darkness in Him.  There is no sinister ulterior motive behind infertility.  The thoughts of: “maybe if I serve Him more, if I loved Him even more.. maybe He would give me a baby.”  Those are lies from the pit of hell.  It indicates that our heart is not settled on the fact that He is the giver of good gifts.  He has a divine plan and is very much into the details of our hearts and our lives.

I know this isn’t easy.  I have cried, wept over the dream eluding me.  I never imagined it would be like this.  I got married in 2009 and we decided to wait a few years before growing our family.  We set the mark of October 2011 to be our family kick off month.  Here we are years later and every month there is hope that it just might be the month we start a new journey as a family.  You are not alone in your feelings.  The challenge is not giving your feelings, your emotions more validity, more value than the truth of what God says about you and about Him.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

Psalm 139:14

God is intimately acquainted with you.  He took the time to knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13 NIV).  Knitting takes effort and attention, especially when there is a delicate design in mind.  You were not haphazardly put together.  Every bit of who you are, the length of your fingers, the size of your nose, even your shoe size was designed by God.  He created you to be you, not someone else.  You are a one of a kind masterpiece.  Please know His precious heart towards you is good, not hardened, not angry, not vengeful.  He loves you.  He adores you.  He sings over you.

The LORD your God in your midst, 

The Mighty One, will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

You are His beloved and He has good things for you.  I know your wishes and unmet desires threaten and scream that He is anything but good.  The truth is He loves you, always has and always will.  He has beautiful plans for you; whether to become a mommy or not, the plans are still beautiful.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, 

says the LORD,

thoughts of peace and not of evil, 

to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

When your unmet desires threaten to take you under, to drown out hope... look up, reach up to God.  He is right there and will come to your aid.  He is waiting for you with arms wide open.  

This song blesses my heart so much: Casting Crowns: Just Be Held

This song helps me keep things right: Lauren Daigle: First

I felt pressed to share this entry.  I know my Redeemer lives and has a plan.  I believe God wanted me to share this so that others in this boat would know they are not alone.  Please feel free to share this blog entry with women that are dealing with infertility.  It can be devastating and lonely.